UNADULTERATED

Have you ever loved someone but didn’t like them as a person? Have you ever known that something wasn’t right but you continued to pursue it anyway? Have you ever been so stressed that all you want to do is cry, cry, cry? Well, this is how I’m feeling right now. I love my daughter’s father, however, I’m beginning not to like him as a person. I’m not going to say he has changed. I strongly feel that I’m beginning to see him for the person he truly is and I don’t like it. My relationship with him is a definite no-no but I still continue to pursue it. I use to think it was because I was so in love but now I really don’t even know why. That’s scary!!! I can’t begin to tell you why I’m still allowing him to treat me the way that he does. I can’t begin to tell you why I continue to allow him in my bed when I know he’s messing around. Right now I’m feeling a bit stressed. I feel somewhat overwhelmed and I don’t know how to handle it. For the last couple of nights I have found myself crying myself to sleep. That’s not good!! I think I know the root of my issues, but there are some many other things that are coming into play. Life can be stressful but I’m trying to maintain. I refuse to allow my stress to push me over the edge.

This is the first time in a long time that I’ve truly been happy. No, I don’t have a pocket full of money and no I’m not in the best relationship. But, I’m happy because I’m at peace with myself. I’m beginning to take care of myself the way I use to. The dilemma I have right now deals with my relationship. For the last 5 years I’ve been with this man and I truly love him. Sure, we’ve had our share of ups and downs, knock-outs/drag-outs, and so forth, but at the end of the day we made it through. I previously wrote about JD. He contacted me several months ago and professed his undying love for me. It’s all good, except for the fact I’m in love with someone. No, my relationship isn’t all what its cracked up to be because it is a love triangle. He has someone else. Many women view me as being stupid or they’re always saying what they would or would not do. However, they don’t know because they haven’t been in that particular situation. I know I should let go simply because of the 3rd person. But, am I ready for the abrupt change that’s about to take place in my life? Will I be able to cope with knowing that he’s not going to be around in the capacity anymore? All I need to know is……….Why me?

Being with JD is the ideal situation because I know that he’ll take care of me. I don’t want to be with him just for that reason. I want to be in love with the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I want the feeling to be mutual and its not (at least not right now). People are so quick to say I should jump on that just because he really loves me. Shouldn’t I be in a position to love him back? Should I just get with him just because I’m really ready to have my own man and be settled even though I’m really not feeling him on the level he’s feeling me? Would that be fair to him? I don’t think so. All I can say is, Why me? This is so difficult.

WTF?! I went to the doctor on last Friday. I’m 6 pounds away from the being the same size as when I had my daughter. I’m not eating a bunch of junk. No, I don’t workout and I know I should. However, this is ridiculous. I try to substitute my drinks at breakfast, lunch, and dinner with water. I don’t eat out as much as I use to. I know, I know, I know, try Weight Watchers (Okay Jade). Its like the harder I try the more weight I gain, especially in my stomach area (which use to be rather flat even though I had a big ole butt). I’m seriously hoping that this is temporary bloating from the little ordeal I had. I really have to get this under control. I do feel much better about myself. I’m beginning to gain back the self-confidence I once had. I was at the point where I let myself go completely. I could care less if my hair was done because I could always pull it back in a ponytail. My clothes were not of much concern to me. And I definitely wasn’t with getting the nails and toes done on the regular. These were things that use to be a must for me. What in the world happened?! I was always big (but very proportioned). Then I got bigger (letting that man of mine skeet all up in me-in 5 years I’ve gained over 40 lbs). Now, I’m the biggest ever. Gotta do something about it!!!!!

I am a 1998 graduate of Elizabeth City State University. During my college years I really had fun. It was one of my best experiences and it I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I met this guy who we will call "JD". Before we were formally introduced I kind of knew him. He dated a distant cousin of mine (and I do mean distant–I can’t even begin to tell you how we’re related). Anyway I attended summer school one summer and he was there. I would often let him in the dorm because at the time we didn’t have co-ed visitation. Time went on and he became a familiar face. I began having dreams about this man. I was clueless as to why. Well, my distant cousin and I rarely saw each other, nor did we talk to one another. I was under the impression that she was messing with this other guy.

One Sunday evening, my friend and I were at the gym chillin, watching the boys play ball. JD and his friend walked by and asked us what was up. Me being me suggested that we got together for some drinks. I was pretty much cool with JD’s friend because he tried to holla my girl before. Well, that evening we got together and it was on. I know I dranked about 3-4 40oz. Yes, 40s!! We were having a ball. JD and I were really feeling each other. There was some chemistry. That night he came back to my suite and I screwed the hell out of him. I was off da chain in college, but that’s the past. Anyway the next day he was in my suite as soon as I got out of class. We began kicking it from that point on. We were like the best of friends. We dranked together, had long intimate talks, stayed with each other on a regular basis. We were almost inseperable. We were able to go out to the same parties and have a good time without being mad because he’s dancing with this chick or this dude is on my booty. At the end of the night we knew we wanted to be with each other.

Christmas break came and we went to our respective homes. We talked the entire break and I think we may have even saw each other. Over the course of the break he and my cousin called themselves getting back together. No one never told me!!! WTF?! He played me. I was truly hurt. I found out about it at a party and confronted him at the party. We went for this long walk and we talked and I cried. My cousin rode past us, slowed down almost to a complete stop, and then took off. Hello!!! If someone’s walking with my man I’m going to stop, especially if they are in each other’s face. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that he had done this to me. Of course, me being me, I didn’t give up that easily. I continued to mess with him after that–probably stupid on my part. But he gave me my time as usual, which made me question my cousin. He was with me as he was before but this was still his chick.

During Spring break I got pregnant. That’s when the sh*t hit the fan. He was torn in between me having an abortion and me keeping it. He had another year in school and I was graduating that May. His parents were aware of the baby. My cousin found out because word travels fast. She came to my apartment, by then I had moved from the suites, to ask me about the pregnancy. I told her that she shouldn’t be asking me that. It was JD’s place to tell her. Then I just told her she already knew so what was the point in asking. I told her that she was aware of our relationship a long time ago but was in denial. She broke down in tears and I felt bad as hell. Or did I? I was like O well, it’s time for you to go. JD was pissed because she found out. He hated my ass after that. His father came to the graduation and told me to let him know if I needed anything. Cool!! My parents weren’t with me having a baby. I had an abortion shortly after moving to GA. JD acted as if he was crushed.

I was really feeling JD and you can say that I loved him. He was my friend. I could be myself. I didn’t have to hide the fact I loved beer. I didn’t have to put make-up on or try to maintain my cool at a party. I could talk to him about anything. I would call JD and he would be so nasty to me. I mean he was down right rude. He would often have me in tears. Over the last 8 years I would talk to him periodically even though he was such a jackass.

Well on Aug 13, 2006, this man called me. O my goodness!!!! He apologized for everything that he took me through. He apologized for not being there for me when I needed him most. He said that out of everyone he’s ever been with I was most compatible. He said he felt as though I was his soulmate. I told him I was involved with someone, which he already knew that. We both have 3-year old children. My daughter was born on his birthday and his son was born 2 weeks before my son’s birthday. Crazy, right?! He said that he is determined to be with me. However he did say if I chose to stay with my so-called "man" then it is hope that we can always be friends.

I’m still taken aback by the things that were said. Its like we picked up where we left off. Everything feels so natural. I feel as though I never really got over him. My feelings were simply suppressed due to the things that we were going through. Could this be my soulmate? It made me believe even more in true love.

I never disclosed anything about him to my current beau. To him, he’s non-existent. He doesn’t know I was pregnant by him or anything. I never felt as though it was his place to know. We have discussed my previous relationships. However, JD was someone I kept close to my heart. He isn’t the cutest but I did have the best of times with him.

It’s been a minute since I’ve last written anything. Recently, I traveled to Indiana. I was so stressed about this trip because I didn’t want to spend money I didn’t have on a hotel room and a rental car. But, the Lord stepped in and worked it all out. On Saturday I received an e-mail from another student in the same EdD program as I . She was requesting a roommate and someone to share her car rental. I was very skeptical at first because I didn’t personally know her. Anyway, after thinking about it for a couple of hours I decided to give her a call. Coincidently we were booked in the same hotel and was arriving to the airport around the same time.

Monday came and it was time for me to meet this person I was spending the next few days with. When we met it was like we had been knowing each other forever. We had so much in common. As a matter of fact, we both have daughters with the same name. She went to a HBCU in North Carolina and was familiar with my alma mater. She knows about the CIAA. It was just crazy how we had so much in common.

We began talking and sharing different things. I feel as though it was meant for us to meet. She was very insightful. I think she will be around for a long time. She has brought so much positive energy to my life over the last couple of days. I realize that when wanting to make a change you have to be dedicated to the cause. There are so many different aspects I want to change in my life, yet I haven’t begun. I make every excuse in the world as to why I can’t to do certain things. I have to stop making excuses and start taking action.

What is your definition of a friend? I feel that a friend is someone who is just as close as a sister or brother. A friend is someone you know and trust. A friend is someone who is there whenever you need them to be. A friend is someone who offers constructive criticism even if it may not be what you want to hear. I am at a point in my life where I’m actually learning who my true friends are and it appears that I don’t have many. What’s funny is the people that I thought were my friends actually aren’t. I’m learning to keep my distance. I use to be offended when I wasn’t invited to certain places or invited to do certain things. I’m not anymore. I realize that those people just didn’t want me around. Forget all of the bullshit excuses I’ve heard. Example–"Oh, I didn’t think you could find a babysitter," "I thought you liked sitting at home," "I wasn’t even thinking," or "I called but I didn’t get an answer". I’m just like whatever now. I feel like it doesn’t hurt to ask. But, that’s just my opinion. People are a real trip. I’m tired of feeling like I’m putting myself off on people. I guess I’ll just focus on getting to know myself better.

I know that people come into your life for all different reasons. It just makes me feel some kind of way when I feel like I know someone or think that I’m someone’s friend only to learn I’m not. It’s all good though!! I’ll get over it. I always do. Another thing that I’m learning about these so-called friends, many of them want to know all of the details of my life but want to keep secrets of their own. They are quick to call and ask the who, what, when, where, and why, but are reluctant to tell their own business. It’s just funny to me now that I am sitting back analyzing these different situations. Sometimes I wonder if people will ever understand the true meaning of a friend.

It’s moments like these that I wish I was back in my home state. I miss being around family and friends. I am trying not to claim this stress but it’s here. My head is hurting. I want to cry. I guess if I let it out then I might just feel better. I feel like there’s no one I can really talk to about the way I truly feel. When I talk to my friends I do let them in on some things but there are other things that I just don’t think they would understand. I thought it was painful going through different things in my relationship over the last 5 years. But knowing that the relationship is fading away is really getting next to me. He has this macho image that he’s always trying to uphold. He almost always tries to act like things don’t bother him. When things do get the best of him he explodes like C4 and he becomes uncontrollable. I guess I’m the only one suffering from all of this.

The love of my life is slowly fading away. Although I know it is in the best interest of the both of us I can’t help but miss him. I have known for a long time that our relationship wouldn’t last since he is married. But I never once let it interfere with my love for him. I gave him my all. In a sense I felt obligated to him. Some may think it is/was crazy but these are my feelings. I can’t feel ashame for the things I’ve done and I refuse to let anyone criticize my actions. It is so easy for us to "dog" each other not realizing the same thing could one day happen to us. We have all said what we would or would not do. However, the last 5 years have taught me to never say never. Its not like I woke up one morning and said, "hey I’m going to find a married man to fall in love with."

We have been experiencing a few problems here and there. Mainly because he says I’m always so negative. Its not that I’m being negative; I’m just telling him how I feel. The terms of our relationship have become more than enough for me. As I get older I am looking at things totally different. I want companionship but not at the expense of my soul. I am ready to be settled. I want my own man. A lot of times I am really disgusted with him and before long my whole attitude has changed towards him. Its like I’m mad at him for not being available to me. He doesn’t understand, or should I say he chooses not to understand where I’m coming from.  Now that things are slowing down for us I am really missing him. I’m missing him more than I thought I ever would. The phone conversations aren’t the same. The visits aren’t the same. When we look at each other its like we are both filled with pain. We both know its something that has to be done but neither of us wants to be the first to take that step. We will always be a part of each other’s lives because we share a daughter. So me not seeing him is not an option.

I’m missing him. I’m missing the way things use to be. Why did it have to turn out like this? How did I even allow myself to get to this point? I’m trying to maintain and keep it together. He is the love of my life and I don’t want to see him go. But, I know that we can’t continue on like this.

I have so many things running through my head right now that I have no idea where to begin. I feel as though my world is closing in on me. My head was hurting so bad last night until a blood vessel popped in my eye. After researching the Internet to find the reasons why this may have occurred I discovered that hypertension and stress causes this to happen. Am I stressed? Hell yeah!! Do I know why? Hell no!! There are so many different things going on in my life right now that it is hard to point out one thing.

My Grandma……My grandma (daddy’s mama) is 89. Several weeks ago they rushed her to the hospital per her request. This is a lady who has always done things for herself and refused to go to the doctor. Well on one Saturday morning her breathing was quite abnormal. My mom had told me that my grandma had been wheezing. They were under the impression that it was just sinuses and pollen-related issues. To their surprise the doctors discovered she had fluid building up around her heart. They soon realized it was due to a collapsed lung and leukemia. The doctor performed an emergency surgery to help her breathe better and to reduce the fluid. My parents called and said that the doctor wanted everyone to come home as soon as possible. They weren’t sure how long my grandma would live especially with having leukemia. It was in her best interest not to have any type of chemo/radiation therapy due to her age. This really bothered both of my parents. My dad is the youngest of my grandma’s kids. He is a true "mama’s boy". Hell sometimes to the point that I think he forgets he has a wife and 3 daughters (but that’s another story, another blog, another time). Anyway my mom is also real close to my grandma. You would think she was the daughter, not the daughter-in-law. We all went home to see my grandma the following weekend. While en route to NC my grandma was also diagnosed with lung cancer, adding more devastation to the family. Once I got there and saw my grandma I was a bit relieved. I felt as though I had another opportunity to spend time with her before she went to her final resting place. However, I was a bit shocked to see how much she had deterioriated since January. I knew then that she doesn’t have too much longer with us. The doctor released her into the care of hospice. It wasn’t because she was better but because they had done all they could do. Looking at my dad I could see nothing but hurt and pain. My mom told me the other day he went to the graveyard. Why?! Hell I don’t know. I think its his way of coming to terms that my grandma doesn’t have much longer to live. I recall the weekend I was home that he came home that night and was listening to a CD. He played the song, "Death and the Beautiful Lady" by Slim and the Supreme Angels. The song is about this lady who has an encounter with death. Death is telling her that her time has come to leave her and asking her is she ready. The song really makes you think. My parents have basically uprooted and moved in with my grandma. I was home 2 weeks ago and since then her voice has begun to leave her. She’s using Oxygen 24/7. Her memory is coming and going. Its sad. I know she’s old but thats still my grandma. I’m turning 30 and my grandma has never been majorly ill, nor has she been in and out of the hospital. I just pray that when she does passes away my father (and mother) can handle it. I don’t want this to push my father over the edge.

My love……My love is the man I’ve been having the affair with for the last 5 years. I think we are finally coming to an end. It is really difficult for me to adjust to but I know I have to. One would think that I would be happy about getting out of such a fucked up situation. But, the truth of the matter is I truly love him. I don’t want to see him go but I know its probably the best thing for the both of us. I have never had to deal with a major breakup before. I guess its because I’ve always had another man to come in and take the other’s place. That’s not good because you only take baggage from one to the next. I have to find something to do to get through this. I have to be strong.

I just need some time away. I’m tired of the same ole surroundings. I need a real vacation. I love my children but I need some "me time". They are always with me. My job consists of me working with kids. Then I have to come home to kids. Its like I never have any adult time. I can’t take them to my mom because I live 8 hours away. I have aunt who lives here but she’s always so busy. And then if she does agree 9 times out of 10 she’ll forget and won’t be able to keep them. My son is not so much of a bother because he’s 12. That daughter of mine is 3 and is ’bout it. She is so busy. I have to get it together soon. I feel as though I’m going to break at any moment. My head is hurting. My eyes are crossing and becoming rather blurry. Life is just too fucking stressful at times!!!! What keeps me going is the fact that I know my problems are minor compared to others. I’m blessed to have a job, a home, and a car to get back and forth to work.